


Don't Let Them In (Now They Know)

by killingmonsterswritingthings



Series: Part of Something [3]
Category: Snowboarding RPF, Sports RPF
Genre: Background Poly, Coming Out, Gen, Genderfluid Character, M/M, Misgendering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-29
Updated: 2014-03-29
Packaged: 2018-01-17 11:39:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1386292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killingmonsterswritingthings/pseuds/killingmonsterswritingthings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Staale had really been looking forward to being home again for a while, but everything went wrong when Nina walked in on her while she was getting dressed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Let Them In (Now They Know)

**Author's Note:**

> I finally got this one finished! Hooray!
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own the people in this fanfic, that would be weird. I am in no way affiliated with them, either. This is a work of fiction, written for my own (and hopefully your) amusement and is in no way meant to offend or gain any kind of monetary profit.

Staale had just come back home for the first time in weeks and had treated herself to sleeping in for once. So that she wasn’t dressed yet at 1pm wasn’t exactly a surprise and also wouldn’t have been a problem, if Nina hadn’t come knocking at her door when she had just put one leg into her skinny jeans.

She was frozen on the spot, unable to put on her pants properly or say anything to stop her sister from entering. And then it was too late.

Nina opened the door. “Hey, can I-? Oh…”

Staale just stared at her with a horrified expression and then squeezed her eyes shut. This wasn’t happening.

“Are these mine?” Nina asked and Staale's eyes flew open.

“No!” She shook her head vehemently. “No, these are mine.” While this was embarrassing and definitely not how she had imagined coming out to her sister, this underwear was nobody's but her own. She hadn't stolen them from Nina, she had bought them. Online, but still. They were hers.

Nina blinked at her for a second. “Oh, I... Okay. Umm, how about you pull your jeans up and then we talk?“

The fear came rushing back but Staale still managed to get the second leg into the pants-leg and finally pull them up. “Okay, yeah,” she mumbled, taking a few steps back and hitting the bed suddenly, almost falling.

“Easy,” Nina said, holding her hands up and following Staale with a calming smile.

“This isn't what I wanted,” Staale whispered. This wasn't happening on her own terms. This was worlds away from how it had been when she had told Sage and Mark.

“Would you like me to leave?” Nina asked. “We don't have to talk about it right now...”

Staale shook her head. “No, please. If you go now you'll just keep looking at me weirdly all the time and I'll have to hide in my room or sneak out and I'll just keep being... scared.” She crossed her arms, noticing that she still wasn't wearing a shirt. Gritting her teeth she turned around and went to her closet to put on the first shirt she could grab.

“Sorry,” Nina said. “I should have waited until you answered and not just come barging in.”

“It's done now,” Staale shrugged. She shut her closet door and contemplated sitting down on the bed, but that would only make her feel more vulnerable. Then she fell back into silence because for the moment, that was better than explaining. She didn't want to have to explain. But Nina wasn't a mind-reader and there was no way the situation was going to solve itself.

“So... you're wearing panties,” Nina finally said. “I mean, I don't... Is it a thing? For you, I mean? Or... do you feel like you're actually a girl?”

Staale groaned and ran her hand through her hair, messing it up even more. “No,” she said. “I mean... not really. Sometimes. It's complicated.” Nina just stood there, expectantly, and Staale could feel herself trembling under her look. “Sometimes I'm a girl. Sometimes I'm a dude. Sometimes I'm both, sometimes I'm inbetween. I don't know, Nina!”

She had almost cried when she had washed off the nail polish before coming home. She just hadn't been brave enough to face anybody else's reactions yet. Especially not her family's. And now this.

“Okay,” Nina said. “Are you sure about this?”

Staale narrowed her eyes and leaned forward. “Am I sure? I just told you! _I don't know_! I've been trying to figure this out but it's hard! You have no idea how hard it is, okay? I couldn't talk to anybody because they would have laughed about me or asked stupid questions! And you ask me if I'm sure? There's nothing to be sure about!”

“I'm sorry,” Nina said, backing away. “I didn't mean it like that. Sorry, I just–“

“I don't care,” Staale said, pulling at her own hair that felt way too short at the moment. “Please leave now.”

“Staale...”

“Get out!”

Nina stared at her for another second, then she turned and left the room. Staale took a shaky breath and went to close the door after her, leaning her head against it afterwards. This was the worst.

It took all her strength to go back to the bed and collapse onto it, grabbing her phone from where it was lying next to the pillow. If she was crying a little had to blindly search for it, then that really didn't matter, did it?

_Nina found out,_ she wrote in the WhatsApp group she had with Mark and Sage.

Mark's response came twenty seconds later.  _Oh. How did it go?_

_I don't know. Not good._

_Sorry,_ Sage wrote,  _Should I call her and tell her to stop being a dick?_

_No, it's fine,_ Staale answered. _I think we both just overreacted but it really sucks. I don't want to be here. And I just got home._

_I'm so sorry. :( Wish I could be there,_ Mark wrote.

_Me too._ Sage.

Staale wiped the tears from her cheeks but they welled up again after the messages and she had to put the phone down for a minute. She really wanted to be anywhere else than home right now and it  _hurt_ . She missed the two boys that were a thousand miles away and she  missed the feeling of being able to be herself without  judgment that she had had with them.

_Why are you even awake?_ she finally wrote.  _Isn't it like 6am?_

_Up early for once,_ Sage said.

_You woke me up_ , was Mark's answer.

_I'm sorry._ She really hated that she was keeping them away from important things – like sleep in Mark's case and whatever Sage was getting up early to do. And she hated the time difference even more.

_It's fine_ , Mark wrote.  _I'd wake up in the middle of the night for you if I had to._

_You wouldn't!_ Sage wrote

_Fuck you!_

Staale had to smile. They were being ridiculous and she could tell they were doing it for her.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Dinner was awkward. Frode was there, too. Staale couldn't even remember when she had been in the same room with her entire family the last time. It had been a while. A long while.

But now it felt like it was ruined.

She could feel Nina staring at her the entire time and halfway through her Mom had asked her if she was feeling alright because she kept her eyes on her – still full – plate. “I'm fine,” she had mumbled, pushing around some peas listlessly. She just wasn't hungry. She also wasn't fine, though.

“Tired, huh?” Frode asked with a smirk and no, Staale was definitely not up for this conversation. “Is that a hickey, little brother?”

Staale's face was burning. She had to bite her lip to stop herself from starting to cry again. Being called out on the fucking hickey was one thing but the _brother_ stung.

“Leave Staale alone,” Nina said.

Staale pushed her chair back with a little too much force and got up. “Excuse me,” she said, not looking at anybody but rather trying to keep her hands from shaking by clasping them around her stomach. “I'm _not_ feeling well, actually...”

She rushed off to her room, all too clearly hearing – and ignoring – her brother's question if he had done something wrong and her Mom's worried calls. Looking the door behind herself she made another grab for her phone.

_I don't know what's worse. People not knowing or people knowing and not reacting well... I really hate this. Why do I have to be this way._

But actually, she didn't want to talk right now. At all. She just wanted to be alone. With a frustrated growl she threw the phone onto the bed and turned away.

She opened her closet door that had a full length mirror on the inside and then she just stood there, looking at herself miserably. Why couldn't she just be _normal_? Why couldn't she just be a fucking guy?

Her phone buzzed on the bed. She ignored it.

She ran a hand over her jaw. That was a dude's jaw. But she didn't want it to be right now. She looked at her flat chest and could feel the sob building. What was wrong with her?

She stretched her hand out in front of her and looked at it, touched the mirror with it. Long, slender fingers. Thinner and a little more feminine maybe than other guys' she knew. Still.

“You're a guy,” she told her reflection and no. No, that was wrong. “Fuck!”

She made a fist with her left hand and for a moment she was tempted to punch right into the mirror, shatter it, maybe cut her knuckles on the shards. Her eyes trailed over her collar bone in the mirror and then met the gaze of her reflection and she had to squeeze them shut and turn away. She couldn't even look at herself.

There was a knock on her door. Her phone buzzed again.

“Staale?” a cautious voice asked. Nina.

“Go away,” she said, looking around her room. For a moment she actually considered jumping out of the window in case Nina decided to be persistent.

“Please,” Nina said and it sounded like she had her head rested against the door. “I'm sorry, okay? Please, just let me in. I just want to understand...”

Staale grit her teeth and walked over to the door, unlocking it. Suddenly she was angry. Okay, Nina could have her explanation. But it wouldn't be a polite conversation. “Fine!” she snapped, wrenching the door open. “Come in. Sit down.”

Nina obliged, blinking at Staale in confusion, maybe with a little fear mixed in but Staale ignored it. She brought this on herself. Nina sat on the bed and Staale paced in front of her a few times before she suddenly stopped and looked at her.

“This is shit, you know?” she said and she wasn't even sure what exactly she meant. “Everything. That I have to be this way, that I can't be normal like everybody else. That people don't know and hurt me and that people know and then also hurt me. I hate it. But I can't get away from it either and I just... fuck.” She stomped her foot, feeling a lot like a toddler. Fuck this. “I thought _you_ would understand, okay? Because I already told Mark and Sage and _they_ didn't have a problem with me.”

She turned away because now she was crying again. This _suck_ _ed_. She just wanted to be home for a while, see her friends, have a few hometown shreds, spend some time with her family. Instead it was all breaking down into a nightmare on the first fucking day. “I wish I could be with them now. Maybe I'll just leave and never come home again if that's what you want.”

Nina was staring at her with incredibly wide eyes and after a few seconds of silence Staale realized that maybe that last sentence was a little over-dramatic. But it is how she felt. She didn't feel like she belonged at home anymore. She didn't feel _safe_.

“Staale,” Nina said after a while, quiet and defeated. “I'm sorry. I really am. Maybe I didn't get it. I said something stupid and I'm really, really sorry. I don't want you to leave. It's okay, you know? It's okay if you're a girl. I'm a girl, too.”

Staale shook her head. “You don't understand,” she said, desperately. “I'm not _always_ a girl. Just sometimes. Sometimes I'm really nothing at all. Sometimes I just like having stubble and wearing nail polish.”

Nina held up her hands. “Yes, I'm sorry. I got that. I uhh... looked it up before dinner? I could have said that better.”

“Oh,” Staale said. She could feel the anger leave her bones. She was still frustrated and confused and angry but not furious anymore. “I... didn't explain that very well earlier, did I?” She had never really explained it to Nina, not like she had with Sage and Mark. Maybe this misunderstanding was all her fault.

“No, actually, I think you tried and then I misunderstood and made assumptions and you got angry, rightfully so, and threw me out. It's okay, though. I think I get it now? And I don't... I'll try not to make assumptions again. I'll just... let you explain things, in your own time.”

Staale nodded, a little dumbstruck and finally sat down next to Nina. “I'm sorry,” she mumbled.

“Don't be,” Nina said. “This isn't your fault.”

“I feel so stupid,” Staale mumbled, wiping at her eyes.

“Oh honey,” Nina murmured, slinging an arm around Staale's shoulders and that only made the crying worse. Staale turned and hugged Nina back, sobbing into her neck while Nina rubbed her back. “It's okay. You're alright. Everything's fine. And you're still my sibling, alright? I won't go away.”

It took a while for Staale to calm down but finally she did and sat back up, wiping her eyes again. Nina gave her a tissue.

“I'm sorry about the thing at dinner, too,” she said. “I didn't know if I was supposed to defend you because they don't know, but I saw your reaction...”

Staale shrugged. “Yeah, it hurt,” she said. “I mean, the hickey thing didn't really bother me itself. But brother... I am your brother, but not right now. Not really. And I wish I could tell him but I'm scared.”

“Yeah,” Nina said. “You don't have to, you know? Not now, not until you're ready. Not ever, maybe.”

“I want to,” Staale sighed. “But... not yet.”

She nodded. “That's okay. And you know, if he's a dick about it we'll just kick him out and bury him under some snow that never melts.”

“Remind me to never get on your bad side,” Staale said, already grinning a little and Nina snorted and got up.

“You could never. We're partners in crime,” she grinned, petting Staale's hair and Staale rolled her eyes.

“Get out, big sis.”

Apparently this was the cue for her phone to start ringing and Nina laughed. “You should probably get that,” she said. “It's probably whoever gave you this.” She brushed her hand over Staale's neck and Staale blushed but also stuck her tongue out at her sister.

“Don't start with that,” she said. “Or I'll never tell you.”

“Ohhh!” Nina laughed but finally left the room while Staale grabbed her phone.

It was Sage. Who was actually not responsible for that hickey on her neck, but for two others on her thighs.

“Hi,” she answered.

“Oh, good,” Sage sighed. Staale raised her eyebrows.

“Checking if I'm still alive?” she asked.

“Kind of?” Sage winced. “We were... worried, you know? You didn't sound so well in your messages.”

Now it was Staale's turn to sigh. “Yeah, I wasn't. I'm better now, I think? Like, there was a really stupid incident at dinner where Frode called me out on my hickey and then called me his brother and I didn't take that well and Nina thought she had to defend me but that just made it worse...”

“Breathe, babe,” Sage said.

Staale did as she was told and took a deep breath. “But... yeah, we talked and I'm better now. A little. I still feel kind of... wounded.”

“I can understand that. Don't let them get to you, okay?”

Staale nodded and then remembered that Sage couldn't see her. She sighed again. “Yeah, I'll try.”

“Good.” She could basically hear the smile over the phone.

“Listen,” she said after a moment. “I'll probably fly to either the States or Canada next month. I... really miss you guys.”

“Oh,” Sage said- “We miss you, too. Don't forget that. And keep us updated? We can meet up and shred and lock ourselves away in hotel rooms for two days again.”

Staale laughed a little. “Sounds like a deal.”

“It _is_ a deal.” Sage sounded determined and Staale had to smile again.

Yeah. Maybe she was wounded. But she would heal. And she would get out of this stronger.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! :) Thanks also go to Sammy, as usual, for being a kickass beta and basically giving me the entire last section of the fic because I didn't know what to do.
> 
> Title are lyrics from Let It Go (again). Because I can.
> 
> Leave kudos, write me a comment or come visit me on [Tumblr](http://mcsandburg.tumblr.com).


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